what is

by me

I don’t know what to write about. None of the prompts “speak” to me. So I’ll just write about what is. Last night I started a meds change. In addition to waking up in the early AM, like I have been for a few weeks, when the alarm did go off, my head pounded. The familiar knife behind my left eye signalling a budding migraine. I sat up with my eyes closed. Then dragged myself to the bathroom, and dragged myself through my morning routine. Then I dragged myself through breakfast, preschool drop off, then here. I don’t know how I’m here. To say I’m so tired doesn’t capture my experience. The weight in my limbs, behind my eyes, under my skin – I’m a sinking stone in the ocean. Fighting to keep from being dragged under. I can barely concentrate, people talk and I sink, can’t see them through the murky water. Even just holding this pen, my wrist and arm burn from the effort. I am just a piece of meat, running on chemicals and electricity. A fragile piece of meat, soft and porous and profoundly impacted by what I consume. My eyes struggle to focus, burning, begging me to close them. But I’m not sad. That’s a start. Just exhausted in mind, body and soul. Here’s hoping that the new combo of meds will lift me up, set me firmly down on the ground, and give me the strength and desire to move forward and achieve.