What things can you stop doing to simply your life?

by me

Every day I listen to the same guided meditation. Nermala says to take a deep breath, and as I exhale, let go of one non-nourishing behavior. Let go. There are so many things I need to let go of. My two favorites are guilt and shame. Every day I try to let go of them. Yesterday I tried to let go of control. If I could really let go of control I would be free of my anxiety. Control is the noose around my neck. Control is sister to my mean, punishing thoughts. They hold hands and skip together as I crumple, crumble and cry. They dance together on my face, my heart, and my soul. I’d love to be rid of you, control. You’re a nasty habit. You’re a tightness and tension in my shoulders and neck. You’re a bed of nails. If I could let you go, I could enjoy my time with my daughter. That is something I would like most of all. To fully experience and appreciate her delight, creativity, enthusiasm and love. I want to be close with her, to connect with her. Control is the wall separating us. It’s cold and barbed, it’s so self-assured. It insists it’s right where it belongs. But it’s not. It’s not necessary, and it’s definitely not wanted. F*** you, control. I want you gone! Of course, pushing it away just makes the grip stronger. It won’t budge, it digs its heels in. So how do I get rid of you. Let go. How do I let go. I take a deep breath…and I let go. I don’t need you, control. I’m just going to relax over here (for as long as I can). And every day I will take more deep breaths, and let go. One of these days it’ll work, I know it. I can create new habits that don’t involve control. It took me 30+ years of wielding control as a habit, I give myself permission to take a while – a long while, if necessary – to let go of control. No, you’re not gone yet. But that’s ok, little by little we will part ways. Every day I will wander a little further away from you.

Advertisements