What subconscious issues do you need to surface and address in 2013?

by me

I’m sure there are a ton. But rather than upset the apple cart, I’m going to try one at a time.

Closeness with my daughter – something is blocking my ability to feel close and comfortable with my daughter. I have brief moments where is has occurred, when I wasn’t paying attention. But striving for non-thought isn’t going to work. My daughter triggers neural pathways (as my therapist would say) related to my mom. Those I have addressed here and there. But even worse, she reminds me of my sister. I have lost count how many times I have almost called her my sister’s name. It might seem harmless to you, but that’s because you don’t know my sister. Ever the martyr and victim, wielding justified anger against the world, drama magnet, cruel, nothing is ever her fault. We have had a hate-love-hate relationship. She is poison. She is unsafe. She is nothing like my daughter. And yet, time and time again, it’s her name that leaps to my mind. I think it has to be the big sister dynamic resurfacing, that must have started when my sister was my daughter’s age. Because I do forget sometimes that I’m her mother. After she was “born” (extracted) she didn’t feel like the baby I had carried in my body for the better part of a year. She was a stranger. I didn’t want her. She was one more thing interrupting my extreme physical and mental anguish. It wasn’t until she was 2, I was sitting there rocking her, and suddenly occurred to me that this was the same baby I had manufactured inside me, sung to, talked to. I felt overwhelmed with joy at the reunion. “It was you all along!” And yet there was still remains a distance. There is definitely the inability for me to connect with my mom. And here I am recreating it. What am I afraid of? Closeness has always meant pain growing up. Always. I’m afraid of pain. Of her hurting me with my love. A little distance allowed me freedom to shut off my emotions. But then, there I go, recreating the mother-daughter lack of connection. I don’t want that! This ongoing push pull struggle is in itself painful. I want to chose love. I want to choose closeness. Even if that means pain. Because pain is normal part of life. And closeness and love is food to my soul. So little by little I will creep forward towards my daughter. Little by little I will open the door to my heart. Wish me luck.

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