Dear Husband

by me

I can’t be honest with you. I can’t tell you the depths of my emotions. I can’t fall apart completely in front of you. I can’t let you see me that way. I am so ashamed of my brokenness. I am so ashamed that I am not the strong, vibrant, dynamic girl you dated and fell in love with. I am so ashamed that I am not the wife you expected, the mother you wanted for your child, the partner you thought you had. I am weak. I am a blubbering pile of tears and snot. I have a body and a mind I can’t control sometimes. I am dependent on external chemicals to keep me mostly sane. I am dependent on sleep. I am not strong enough to give you a second child – even though I can’t stop thinking about it with both longing and dread. I can’t be trusted, at any moment I might fall apart, shattering into a million jagged shards. I am not worthy to be your wife. I don’t deserve to have you in my life. You deserve better than me. You deserve a life partner that is always strong and sane. You deserve someone you can always rely on, count on. I am a burden, another item on your to-do list, more work. You deserve to be taken care of, pampered, celebrated. You are true to yourself, beautiful inside and out, with the patience of a thousand angels. I know why you stay – you made a vow, a commitment. You want a family, and our daughter needs a stable household. Is it stable with me there? You say you need me – but for what? What do I bring? I need to know. I need to hear it. Because I am feeling so lost right now. Just a week ago I was so high. And now it’s all I can do to lift my head up. I know it’s not my fault – a change in meds leading to not sleeping. And yet if it were someone else not sleeping, it wouldn’t result in a bottoming out of everything. Another person might get cranky, but they wouldn’t lose their ability to function. I know I have positive traits – humor, intelligence. But is it enough? Do they make me worth staying with? In this time, when I am a drain on resources, here I am asking for more out of you. And I know in my heart you’ll give. Because you are someone very special. I don’t know how or why I lucked out on getting you.

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