What is the greatest negative issue you are currently dealing with? What have you done?

by me

Anxiety. It is a gray loud static that cuts my skin, deafens my ears, coats my veins with sooty fire, and strangles me. It is all consuming. It is everywhere. There is no escape. I can’t even sleep to escape. My one exit is barred. I lay there sweating at night, jolts of adrenaline course through me, my heart beating so loudly in my head I can’t hear anything else.

I am exhausted. My limbs weigh a million pounds. My head is filled with dark clay. Small talk for two minutes leaves me completely drained. Every chance I get I climb onto the couch and listen to my meditations and beg for relief. I never believe it will work, but each time by the end of the meditation I have a small pool of calm, a puddle really, but I’ll take it. I will lay there, not sleeping, but with my eyes closed, trying to focus on that calm and only on that calm. It is the world, for a short while, till the adrenaline jolts start up again, and then it’s time to get up. Time to choose something else from my toolbox, to escape the electrified static that is chasing me.

My therapist might say stop running, turn and surrender. Embrace. Terrifying. It will suck my life out, flatten me, disintegrate me – the me that is trying so hard just to breath. Trying to focus on anything, anything other than the needles in my brain and on my skin. Trying to survive, damnit. In these minutes, these constant minutes, I am alone. In this blizzard I am blindly fumbling and groping from one solid surface to the next.

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