what is

by me

I am not sleeping. I did not sleep. I have not slept. I can’t think. A wall. A wall of exhaustion. I am trapped. I am so tired. But I can not sleep. I pass out each night after taking my meds. Then a couple of hours later it begins. Startled awake. Adrenaline. Fire in my limbs. Heart beating so loud in my ears, so hard in my chest. Focus. Narrow my focus. Don’t let the thoughts start. Concentrate on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I start to drift off.¬†Startled awake. Adrenaline. Fire in my limbs. Heart beating so loud in my ears, so hard in my chest. Focus. Narrow my focus. Don’t let the thoughts start. Concentrate on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I start to fall asleep. Startled awake. Over and over and over and over. I won’t look at the clock. Because then I start calculating. I keep my eyes shut under my eye mask. I wait. Is the sky light enough yet? Is it close enough to ‘morning’ to reasonably get up. I lay there and focus on my breathing. At least I could stay calm this night. I’m not always so lucky.

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