pneumonia
by me
I’m trying to understand why. Logically it doesn’t make sense. My brain is not panicking. But my body is. The sensation of not being able to breath, that’s the inflammation in my lungs. The nausea from the antibiotic that grips my throat is chemical. The stomach cramping (tmi diarrhea) also just a side effect. The exhaustion, that’s my body fighting this thing.
So why the panic. Why does my mind so easily wander over to old thought patterns – get me out of here, I don’t want to exist, make it stop. It’s just a combination of symptoms. All with their own flavor of discomfort. But a week of discomfort. A week of this misery. And I’m losing it. It’s wearing me down. It’s frightening my husband.
I can’t get comfortable. When I am beside myself with anxiety that is always my primary complaint. I’m so uncomfortable. Uncomfortable existing. I didn’t want to be anymore, it was all too much. I don’t want to be here now.
But this is temporary. This is an illness. This isn’t going to last forever. And yet, my body is responding as if it was. Panic. Feel like I’m barely holding on.
Help me.
Got to hold it together. Got to act as if it’s all okay. Don’t want to frighten people.
Help me get through this. Make the time pass faster. Please.
Anxiety does this – it takes all current miseries and projects them into the future as if they will always exist. They won’t. You will feel better again. The meds you are on are strong and are probably affecting your moods as well. The flu isn’t permanent, keep telling your anxiety that (anxiety is a theme I’m seeing lately online; and I am having problems with it too. It seems we are not alone).