b a r e

writing is healing. ask me anything.

Tag: sick

sick

I hate this. I hate the way my body feels. I hate the coughing. I hate the diarrhea. I hate the not being able to sleep. I hate the exhaustion. I hate the nausea. I hate the runny nose. I hate the congestion. I hate feeling weak. I hate having no energy. I hate disappointing my husband. I hate scaring my child. I hate sitting here crying out of self pity while trying to eat scrambled eggs so I can have something healthy in my system. I hate how an illness can bring me so low emotionally. I want to go home. There’s nowhere to go but the adult home I’ve created. I want my mom to take care of me. But my real mom wasn’t a good mother, so I really don’t want her here. I want some mythical home and mom that doesn’t exist. I want an escape from here and now. I want someone else to make the decisions for me. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to exist. I want a reprieve. I want someone to take care of me. But I’m the mom now. I have to take care of myself. And I’m so tired. So so tired.

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sick and tired

Tired. So completely, utterly tired. Limbs heavy. Body sinking. Mind struggling to focus. Heavy like laying at the bottom of the ocean crushed by the weight. Heavy like 100 suffocating blankets. Heavy like pinned down by Sisyphus’ boulder.

The heaviness is centered in my chest. That’s where the virus settled down. 5 days of body wrenching coughs. 5 days of not being able to sleep because I wake up unable to breath. Today is the first day I’m not coughing all the time. But I can still feel the pressure, the obstruction in my lungs. An itch I can’t scratch. An uneven surface, abrasive breathing. This illness has really dragged my mood down. The racing heart, the pressure in my chest and around my throat, mimicked my panic attacks…and so resulted in panic attacks. The weakness in my body, the loss of appetite, the nausea, mimicked my depression. I had no energy to do anything but sit there. And sitting there, alone, in a darkened room with the curtains drawn, is a ticket to the bottom.

I forced myself to sit outside, in the light. Even if I still couldn’t do anything but sit there, at least I have fresh air. I forced myself to focus on specific tasks. Take myself out of the helpless stuckness. One moment at a time, get through this, get through to the other side of this shaky bridge.

I finally got my appetite back yesterday. What a relief. To be able to enjoy the taste of food again. To enjoy the process of eating, what a treat. You don’t realize how miserable eating can be until you’re forcing yourself. This will definitely help with my energy. Now if I could just sleep through the night. Piece by piece. I’m putting myself back together. It’s surprising how much mental pain can be brought on by physical discomfort. But I’ve made it through the worst of it. And though it’s a slow, tedious climb, I will get back to solid ground.